Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.