I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.