When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
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What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”