One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
A bold strategy
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.