uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god