Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.