DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
This bar smells like my childhood.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids