*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum