If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
You Might Also Like
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
That’s amazing.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’d … I’d rather not.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.