shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
He’s cranky this morning
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.