It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.