I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.