Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
bears
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH