Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.