Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Risking my life for fun.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Inside you there are two wolves
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames