Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
You Might Also Like
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.