You Might Also Like
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Spotted in New Orleans.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?