Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.