*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.