My favorite farside!!
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My neck my back my allergy attack
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.