cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
knights of the ikea table
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy