Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”