In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
How about daylight saves us for once
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Buck naked
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.