Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?