Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.