My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
#SaturdayBears
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*seductively eats two tums*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”