me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Breaking news:
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.