Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these