Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job