Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
🤯🤯🤯
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”