Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You Might Also Like
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered