Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Legend 🤣🤣
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
this was the best i’ve ever seen
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄