Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
You Might Also Like
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Need WebMD
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.