The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts