I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Breaking news:
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL