If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The 6 types of sex
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.