#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
This one’s “Alex”.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter