Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month