FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
You Might Also Like
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.