“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
#catsoftwitter
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.