Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Shower sex be like:
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..