In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
March 16
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
what it’s like dating me:
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.