Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed