Chemical wingman
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone