Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
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7.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford