me opening up to someone
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
time for some seasonal decor
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically