me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.