The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear