Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap