doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark